dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
