using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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