Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Randomize