His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
