Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
