Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He felt like a one man threesome
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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