hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
