I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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