literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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