sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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