My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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