It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
