All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
