my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
