K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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