Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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