he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
