my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
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