I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
