When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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