Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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