.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
