You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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