Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Send help, water and tortillas.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
