dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
