i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
