Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
