i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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