no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
