dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
