I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
