Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
