I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
