I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You took a bar mat shot.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
