So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
