They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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