I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
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