i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
