Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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