Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
