Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
