from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
