We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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