I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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