i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize