I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
