Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
