Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
