Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So squirting runs in the family.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize