Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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