Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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