I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's rum buckets o'clock
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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