Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
