My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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