there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
