i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize