I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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