he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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